Reflection
by Ticialicious
Summary: Rodney is feeling guilty. His team helps him him out. Team love. Awwww. Major spoilers for episodes 10 and 11 of season five, "First Contact" and "The Lost Tribe" written for the January challenge over at http://community./sg fic uoa/


_Though justice be thy plea, consider this,_

_That, in the course of justice, none of us_

_Should see salvation:_

It wasn't until he saw the destruction in the gate room that he really, truly, understood the magnitude of his screw up. Logically, he had told himself that of course it wasn't his fault. Anyone would have made the same choice in his place. Daniel Jackson's life was on the line and, at the time, he couldn't justify not turning on the machine if it meant saving a life. Plus there was the whole "There's no way I'm letting one of Sam's team-mates down, again." thing going on in his head.

He'd been checked over by Jennifer, debriefed with John and Woolsey and the whole story had come out. When John mentioned the travelers and how many people they'd lost, he swallowed past the lump in his throat and told himself it wasn't his fault.

But then, when he was standing in the middle of the destruction of the central tower, for the first time in a long time he was speechless. Suddenly, he whirled around and stormed out, muttering under his breath. He wasn't really sure where he was going. He just knew he had to get out of this room, away from the reminder of his failure.

John found him hours later, sitting on a balcony. Rodney glared at him and went back to staring morosely at the ocean, hoping he'd just go away. He wanted to wallow. It was stupid, and it wasn't like him. But, come on, he'd destroyed planets this time. Planets with actual people on them. He'd killed people. Just to save one man. Okay, one man and himself. That made it almost worse, in a way. Because he knew that after Daniel died, it would be his turn.

The silence stretched on. At least, if John wasn't going to leave he was sitting quietly. No platitudes. No "It's not your fault. Carson made the Hoffan virus, I woke the wraith, we've all made mistakes." speech. He hated that speech. He didn't deserve that speech.

"So..." John began, and Rodney started at the sound. They had been quiet for so long, Rodney had almost forgotten that John was there. He turned to face John, wanting to just get this over with.

"Look, John, I'm not really in the mood, okay? Can you just go away, please? I mean, I'm sure in a little while I'll..." he trailed off, not really sure what he wanted to say. He wasn't sure about anything right now. "Okay, yes, I'm upset. But it's not like it hasn't happened before. And neither of us is really good at sharing their feelings. Well, I am better than you at that, but at this point in time, I don't want to talk about it. Not to you. Not to... the new shrink, what's his name? Yeah, not to him. Not yet."

"Rodney, I wasn't going to... "

"No, John, please. Just... please. I don't want to talk about it. I don't want to hear about how much I screwed up. I don't want to know about all the people that I killed. Or the people they left behind. " He thought about Larin's people and grimaced. "I just want to not think about it for awhile. And that's really hard for me to do, because, hello, genius. It's hard for me to *not* think. But I'm trying. And the ocean is very soothing. So, you can leave now. Okay?"

"No, Rodney, I'm not... "

"Sheppard, I'm not... I can't... " He sighed and his shoulders deflated. "Fine. If you won't leave, then I will."

He got up to leave, but his shoulders were suddenly pressed down and he looked up to see Ronon lurking over him. Surprised, he pulled away and saw Teyla standing in the background.

"When did you... where... you two have *got* to stop sneaking up on people like that! I didn't even hear you." Ronon just grinned and Teyla looked sympathetic and wise in a way that made Rodney's chest ache. It was a feeling he couldn't deal with right now.

But instead of saying anything, they both just sat down next to him. John on one side, Teyla and then Ronon on the other. Rodney closed his eyes and listened to the sound of the wind and the ocean. He felt Telya's shoulder bump against his, in silent support and friendship, and he felt the ache ease. Just a little bit. They were okay. He hadn't killed them. He hadn't destroyed Atlantis and killed John and Radek and Teyla and all the scientists and military. At least he didn't have that on his conscience. At least he still had his team. His family.

So, he started to talk. Teyla's hand snaked into his and John patted him on the shoulder awkwardly. He talked about anything he could think of, really. Nothing important or earth shattering. Nothing that really needed to be said. He rambled for awhile about the scientist's experiments, about how much he'd missed the food in the mess. He told them that he had low blood sugar and probably shouldn't listen to his ramblings, and a power bar mysterious appeared from deep in John's jacket.

His team didn't say much. They made appropriate comments at the appropriate intervals, agreeing with him about the scientists, the food and his blood sugar.

He fell silent for awhile after that.

"I should have studied it for longer, found out what the "unfortunate side-effect" was before actually turning the stupid thing on. I had time, the asgards hadn't come back, his hour wasn't up yet. Not that he knew it was them at the time... If I'd just held off as long as possible, up to the last second, I would have figured everything out. I am so sorry, I almost killed you."

He didn't really know why he'd said it. He just felt that it had to be said.

John cocked an eyebrow at Rodney. "Come on, Rodney. You didn't have time. It is not your fault. You had to weigh the immediate risk that you knew about, the fact that the big scary aliens were going to kill a team mate, with an unknown risk. I'm willing to bet that the Asgard knew exactly what would happen, so the only blame lies squarely with them."

Teyla leaned her head on Rodney's should and let out a breath. "We are just relieved you are alright. When they took you... it was very frightening."

Rodney perked up a bit at this. "Really? You were worried about me? All of you?"

John grunted. "I wouldn't go that far. We... we're glad you're back."

Rodney leaned around Teyla and peered at Ronon. "How about you, big guy? You were worried, right?"

"Didn't know you were gone. Had my own problems at the time."

"Oh, right, of course. You and, erm, Jennifer." A look of consternation crossed his face. "How is she doing, anyway?"

Ronon grinned. "Well, I think I'll go check on her." He jumped up. "Maybe ask her to get some food."

"What? No, wait, I don't think..."

"How's Daniel, anyway, Rodney? He was hurt pretty bad. Maybe you should go check on him." Just as he was about to leave, Ronon turned back. "Glad you're okay, though."

Rodney stared at the door as it swished silently closed, speechless for the second time that day. Mouth agape, he turned to John.

"Come on, Rodney. You go check on Daniel. I have to go see Katana and, uh... you know. Check on the Travelers and all that." John stood up.

"Oh, right, it's your civic duty to help the hot alien chick. Ow, Teyla!"

Teyla shook her head and also stood up and held out her hand. "Come, Rodney, we have things to do."

Rodney stared at her hand a moment before taking it and allowing himself to be pulled to his feet and steered towards the door.

"Okay, but I think I should go, you know, get started on the new gate and such. I mean, the crew of the Daedalus don't really know anything at all. They'll probably just mess it up and then I'll have to fix it anyway. And Daniel's fine, he's probably eating dinner and resting comfortably by now."

"Yes, Rodney, but you did go through quite an ordeal together, did you not? Should you not go and make sure he is okay?" Teyla raised an eyebrow at him as they walked down the hallway.

"Yeah, well, the truth is... I've visited him a bunch of times already. I don't want to be annoying." John and Teyla exchanged a look over Rodney's head and grinned at each other.

"Hey, I'm right here you know!" he exclaimed. "I can see you."

"Yup, buddy, we know." John grinned at him. "And we're pretty glad about that, actually."

-the end-


End file.
